Womanhood.

Today, I went for my yearly "well woman" exam... you know, the gynecologist's. As usual, it was a blast. I have a new doctor, since I am officially a California resident now (complete with license and health insurance). He's this funny old Jewish guy that I picked because he had a fun website (the best way to find a doctor, you know). The exam was fine.. I've got perfect blood pressure, there was no comment on my weight, and he was over the moon I don't smoke.

The exam took a little turn for the weird when he decided to chat with me while I was still in my paper gown. First, he turned off the florescent lights because I mentioned they can be migraine triggers. That was nice of him, but they aren't automatic triggers.

For those that haven't had the excitement of going to a gyno - you are given a paper vest that is worn backward, and you lay a sheet over your lap. I'm sitting in my paper tuxedo while my gyno steps on his soap box about how terrible it is that NH sells liquor on the side of the road. No, I don't have any statistics if NH has a higher rate of drunk driving accidents (though that is a good question). Please let me get dressed, nice old Jewish man, I have to get to work.

Then, on his way out, we shake hands again, and then.. he gives me the fist bump.

You know, like this...




This is my reality.

Our president is black, but his house is all white.

Most people who know me know how staunchly liberal I am, especially when it comes to social issues. I believe that people should have a fair chance in life. That's why things like this get me all up in arms...

http://money.cnn.com/2009/01/22/news/companies/bank_of_america/index.htm?cnn=yes

I am a Bank of America customer. I recently was hit with $175 worth of fees because I made a calculation mistake with my checking account. I work for a non profit, I don't make a lot of money - I live precariously, paycheck to paycheck. $175 is a lot of money for me. I was told under no circumstances could me fees be waived. I even attempted to use my mother's food money for the week to try and avoid the fees - instead, they applied that money to my fees I owed the bank, rather than my overdrawn account and left me with additional fees. Now, I understand it's my fault, and I don't expect anyone to really bend over backwards for me (except that I put the money in there, but that's a whole other story...)

Now this guy has the balls to ask for a 10 million dollar bonus. That's on top of the money he's already making. Has anyone told him it's a recession, and unemployment is at a 26 year high? Oh, and a rug that costs a good chunk of my yearly salary?

I am attempting to do everything right, here. I worked hard. I went to school. Now, I can't afford my student loan payments and am desperately crossing my fingers that I get into a doctoral program so that I can defer my loans until I can afford to pay them. I'm currently sweating because I'm not sure if I'll be able to get a car loan come August since my credit is bad because of a high debt to income ratio. People like this are taking my desperately needed $175 and sinking it into banks that they ran into the ground.

This is why I advocate for the underdog. This guy probably has more money than he can ever imagine spending, and if not for my boyfriend, I'd go hungry sometimes. That's right... I have a master's degree. I have no credit cards anymore - I'm trying to live a cash-based existence to pay off my debts. It is hard. Very hard.

I cried like a baby when Barack Obama was inaugurated. Its the only hope I have left that I might have a future someday. I hope he can work toward making this country better. He seems like an incredible guy - and his wife is amazing as well. I know things aren't going to happen overnight, but if Barack Obama can put half of what he wants to do in place, life would be much better for us all. I believe in a more equal playing field.

Please, Mr. President. We need you. Please keep that hope alive for us that are hit so hard by the disaster of the last 8 years.

On a lighter note, how gorgeous was Michelle Obama on inauguration night? Flawless. The most amazing thing is how in love they are, and how capable they seem. The lady shops at JCrew even though their net worth is over 4 million dollars. That's the kind of people I want leading my country.

The person I am today.

Oveheard around 9:00 pm Pacific Standard Time, "God, I can't wait to get back to California and get to the gym!"

Of course, normally I'd roll my eyes and have some sort of smart-ass remark. The sad thing is, I was the one who uttered it.

I ate more fried and fatty foods in New Orleans than I have in the last three years of my life. Don't get me wrong, I loved every minute of it, but I have again been trying to be better about what I eat. For the most part, I'm pretty healthy food-wise, it's the whole "regular exercise" thing that gets me.

I have all the right labels on my food - "whole grain" or "multi grain" or "organic", etc etc. Half of my food purchases today were veggies. I follow the portion size rules (1/4 starch, 1/4 lean meat, 1/2 plate veg) and I limit my alcohol and caffeine intake.

Still, I find my weight creeping up. Partially, this is because I have a boyfriend who is 6'4", 210 pounds. He requires a lot of food, and he requires different food than I do. He too, however, is up from a very lean and muscular 197 pounds and suffers from high cholesterol (lucky guy is genetically prone).

We've embraced a healthier life style. Last weekend we went hiking in La Jolla, and we attend yoga on Sundays.

Guess it's the cost of getting older.

I'm still here.

Hey, remember when I used to blog?

For the past month or so I have been literally all over the United States. Right now, I am in New Orleans, LA. I have eaten fried, spicy fish to my heart's content, and I still have three more days. I'm not sure my cholesterol can handle it. Mike is joining me here tomorrow for our first real "away" since becoming short distance. In February we will be heading to St. Louis for his mother's birthday, and there stands a chance that I will be in Hawaii come March for our trauma conference. Oh, and did I mention I went to NH, MA, and NYC for Christmas break?

I'd like to talk about jet lag. I get it. Bad. I have been here since Tuesday and I am still all wacked out on what time it is. I stay up until 2 (12 in CA) and can't sleep when I'm finally in bed.

It is also cold in New Orleans. Of course, I am traveling the one weekend the ENTIRE country is engulfed by a cold spell. Except, ironically enough, for Southern California. They are experiencing higher temperatures than normal! Oh well.

New Orleans, by the way, is still recovering. It is really humbling to walk down the street and see the water lines well above my little 5'3" head. There are closed shops everywhere, and it lacks the hustle and bustle I'm told used to define New Orleans. I have not even approached the worst of it, as I'm staying on Magazine St. It must anger many former and current residents of the city that our outgoing president feels that everything right happened here. From everything I've been told, New Orleans is a shell of it's former self. Everyone has a story though, and New Orleans has definitely not lost its flavor. I have not had a bad or even mediocre meal since I've been here. I am looking very forward to experiencing this city with Mike.

I cannot complain about having to travel often. I can't afford to travel on my own right now, so the fact that I get to travel relatively often for work is a nice bonus, especially since I didn't think I'd be traveling for my position. In this upcoming year, I know I will be doing some more traveling. The traveling will only increase the longer I am at my job. Hopefully my salary will too, so that I can start traveling for pleasure again.

So I apologize for the lack of updates. I still need to post about my time at home, but I'm on a random computer in the lobby of a hotel in New Orleans - and I think it is about time I get some real sleep, so that I can spend my weekend boosting their tourism income just a little. :)

Such a lovely place...

There are days where I love California, and there are days that I miss living in the arctic tundra that is the Northeast. However, lately, my desire to move back to the east coast is waning. Instead, I find myself daydreaming of a future right here in sunny SoCal.

My daydreams have become consistently more grounded, and a little frightening in their domesticity. I see my two year plan...engaged, planning a wedding? Living in a cute apartment in UTC? Working on my doctoral degree? What I want the most is a place to have a cat.

In five years, maybe I'll have a child. I will be a freshly minted licensed psychologist, with a little luck and a lot of hard work. Married, preferably.

In ten years, I can imagine myself waking up in my (our?) house.. maybe in Sorrento Valley, or Del Mar - someplace not quite North County, but north of the city. I imagine waking up in the morning, going for a walk with the dog in the enveloping sunshine, and coming home to begin my hectic day of testifying, teaching, doing a court assessment, or seeing patients. Of course, the time will be made to attend my kid's soccer game, or pick them up from surf lessons.

These dreams haven't changed, but the location of them has. More and more, I see myself making commutes through the neighborhoods of San Diego, decorating the palm trees out front for Christmas, hosting dinner parties that feature Mexican flavors or avocado galore, and seeing those beautiful sunsets setting on the Pacific. I see lazy Saturdays perusing the shops in La Jolla, or reading court transcripts and reports on the beach under my big sun hat. I can see curling up with my love under a blanket and watching the San Diego news at the end of a long day in the winter, where it's just cold enough to want to sit under a blanket. I see jetting off for a long weekend in the Bay area, visiting friends and relatives while enjoying crab on a pier. I see weekends in Napa, Sonoma, and Temecula, tasting wines for fun and to purchase wines for special occasions. I can imagine packing up my luxury hybrid SUV with the kiddos, the hubby, and the dog(s) for a weekend trip to Big Bear because face it, every kid needs to know how to play in the snow. Yoga on Sundays. Bike riding around the bay. This does not even begin to tap the surface for the vacations, employment, and family possibilities.

What prompted this? Driving back from LA yesterday, it was a clear and slightly crisp day. As we drove down the 405 around Irvine, I was looking out over the valley and saw palm trees for miles and miles. There in the distance were snow peaked mountains. Now, while the mountains here in SoCal can never measure up to the mountains in New England (in my opinion, anyway), it was breathtakingly beautiful to see those mountains just beyond the palm trees. Continuing down the 5 around 4:00 saw the beginning of another spectacular sunset over that day, a very blue Pacific. For all of the beautiful places I've been in the world, no picture can inspire that catch-in-your-throat feeling of overwhelming beauty that happens at the most unexpected of moments; a sunset, the way the sun shines on mosaic tiles in a cathedral, a sunrise over fog. The warm colors of the turning autumn leaves, the intense quiet of freshly fallen snow, the fierceness of storm clouds, a rainbow over a rolling hill, or thousands of commuters walking in tandem. I am caught off guard by the beauty of California often, even after two years of living here. The richness of colors - the stark blue of a clear sky, set off by healthy, living greenery, or the brilliant white of snow capped mountains against a cerulean sky...the intermingling of blues, greens, purples, and oranges as the sun sets too quickly over the ocean. The brilliance of color is something I couldn't imagine tiring of.

I am very fortunate that my life has taken me to California. Don't get me wrong - I will always be a proud New Englander, and if life were to take me away from California, I would accept me new challenge, but for the foreseeable future, I am ready to settle in California - and I've never felt that way before. It has taken me the two years of living in California to feel like it's home, and it's finally starting to feel that way for me. I don't see myself as one of the twenty-something California drifters who can't imagine living in San Diego permanently. I can see beyond the two-to-three year vacation spot that most twenty somethings use San Diego as - instead, I see a wealth of possibilities for myself and Mike.

My California possibilities are endless, and I'm ready for them.

Grant writing.

I am a grant writer for the non profit that I work at. I am perfecting the art of eloquent begging.

I love the non profit I work for. I fully, 100% believe in the mission of where I work. I just want people to give us money so that we can continue doing what we do. I recognize that there are millions of non profits, and especially now, funding is incredibly competitive, but our non profit takes all of those individual non profits and is trying to combine them into a one-stop shop of resources.

I am really just floored by the work that my boss has done so far, and how close we are to launch some really major projects - not just in San Diego, or the United States, but globally. All we need is funding.

In the meantime, I'll just continue to write grants, to try and fund an organization that I feel, deeply, is going to change the world if we can only get the money to do so.

If you're interested in helping, every little bit counts. Here are some options:

Check out ivatcenters.org - This is the place that I work. See what we do. Ask me questions. Spread the word. Let people know who we are and what we do.

Donate. You can donate directly on the site. We accept any level, and it's tax deductible. You will receive a letter from us stating this for all tax purposes.

Use goodsearch or goodshop. goodsearch.com and goodshop.com allow you to browse or shop; goodsearch.com donates a penny for each search, and goodshop donates a different amount depending on the store you buy from. All you need to do is choose "institute on violence, abuse, and trauma" as the recipient organization.

If you're in the San Diego area, you can volunteer either in the office or at one of our conferences (held annually in San Diego and Hawaii). This is a great opportunity if you are in the field - you can attend the day you volunteer for free, or wrack up hours to attend the conference for free. If you're an academic, you know that conferences are expensive.

I know we're all poor recent graduates, with fear of the economy plummeting further and taking our employment with it, but if you have a spare few dollars, or work for a company that might consider donating, please consider it. IVAT has incredible potential to really make a difference.

Buzz.

I have been a decidedly busy bee lately - work has required many grant application submissions, overtime, boyfriend is back in town, and I just submitted my application to a doctoral program here in San Diego.

My big complaint lately is the state of higher education in this country. In short, my thesis adviser is too busy to work with me, I don't make enough money to pay for the schooling I've had thus far (a sad state when I went to school to make money) and yet, here I go again with the continuing of education.

To me, school is like an addiction. That next "high" will always be better and "fix" my situation. Don't make enough money - take another hit. Need to delay those loan repayments? Hit me again. Feeling insecure about where to go in life? GIMME A HIT of GRADUATE SCHOOL.

My biggest piece of advice for anyone considering graduate school is don't go unless you know, at least to a reasonable degree, what you want to do. You can't use it to fill a void, though it does feel pretty good to get that expensive piece of paper.


Now, if only I'd heed my own advice and stop pursuing advanced degrees, and just settle for my lot in life, sometimes I feel like I'd be better off. I will continue to chase the dream though, contrary to my feelings about higher education.